Happy No Mail or Banking Day!

Ah, Columbus Day. I don't really know what the point of this holiday is, but when I worked for a bank, I appreciated having off a random day in October. Of course, that just means I'm an imperialist patriarchial opressor, since this most inane of days has to spark controversy amongs the chattering classes like no other.

For example, on Facebook, there was a posting on the Smithsonian's page:

Smithsonian Institution When Columbus first landed in the Caribbean more than 500 years ago, he was setting foot on a continent that had been inhabited for thousands of years by people who built thriving cultures and societies. Explore some of the artifacts, artwork and photos of the descendants of the first Americans in the National Museum of the American Indian’s online collection gallery

This is a fine thing to mention, I suppose, since there's more than one side to any story, and that's a good story to learn. But of course, such posts also inspire instant quantities of assholier-than-thou yapping; opined a Facebook user named Amber Rush:

I'm truly shocked that there are still so many defenders of Columbus out there. Columbus was a nut, even Isabella and Fernando threw his ass in jail because they realized too late their mistake in sending an ego-maniacal madman to the "New World" on their behalf. The only thing Columbus cared about was gold and furthermore, he never even set foot on the North American continent, yet our government has seen fit to dedicate a national holiday to this dubious character. My nine year old daughter put it best when she said that we should focus on celebrating real heroes in our country like Martin Luther King. The holiday honoring him is much more valid and based in meaningful reality.

Well Amber, you're onto something here, clearly. I am now appalled that a liberal-minded institution like the Smithsonian would even have its headquarters in a city thoughtlessly named after such a tyrant. It's time to fight back and demand the District of Columbia change its name. All those other Columbias, too, including my favorite, Columbia Maryland (a progressive community--HAH!) So too should we change the name of the capitol of Ohio, Columbus. And all those other cities named Columbus, in Georgia, Indiana, Mississippi, and Wisconsin.

Let's not just cleanse our own fair borders, though--the Canadians heap shame on themselves with a province named British Columbia--a double whammy of Imperial aggrandizing! And the entire country of Columbia...WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Indeed I just noticed I'm wearing a shirt from the Columbia sportswear company. I'm going to immediately tear it off and donate the scraps to some victim of life.

Yes, this day is absolutely not worthy to honor that tyrant and rapist. But--it's only one federal holiday out of many. Veterans Day: glorifying the sacrifice of life for the needs of the state. Thanksgiving: perpetrating that myth of a coming together of Indians and Pilgrims (when we all know what those imperialist bigots really thought of the natives), celebrated today as an act of over-eating--do we care NOTHING of the obesity epidemic? Washington's Birthday: a day honoring a slaveholder?!? (Don't be fooled by that attempt at bowdlerizing the holiday with that cutesy "President's Day," its official name is "Washington's Birthday.") And dear God, don't even get started on the hegemony practiced by the state when it recognizes that white male Christian patriarchal holiday in December!!!

It's time to cleans our maps and our calendars of this thoughtlessness and press forward to a brave new future--preferrably one without any holidays for government workers, who hardly need an official excuse to do nothing. In fact, that's pretty much what I pointed out in my response to Amber Rush on that Facebook thread:

Here's a point for all of you: if it wasn't for this holiday celebrating this "insidious man" you'd have to actually be at work today instead of bloviating into Facebook. God bless the Federal Government that has to find ten reasons a year to not do anything.

(By the way, Amber did respond: "It's great to have a day off but it should be for the right reasons." She then goes on to talk about the efforts of renaming it Indiginous People's Day. I'm still waiting to hear if she did the right thing and her holiday pay to that cause.)

Alright then, now that we're done talking about the truly useless that only the overfed and overeducated could care about, let's raise a glass to what today is truly important for: the birth of my oldest daughter. Happy 9 years on this ridiculous planet, baby!